ಯಾವ ಹೂವು ಯಾರ ಮುಡಿಗೊ?

It’s been two years since appa died. It’s weird! It’s different!!

My father believed in rituals, a lot. So, I make it a point to go through all the rituals and ‘officially’ remember him on chaitra shuddha trayOdasi every year. Well, it’s just been two years now. It was very different, two years ago. I cried uncontrollably. Now, I take a different route. I try the escapist path. I try not to think of him too much during the rituals. It’s very hard not to. When you repeat his name, his father’s name, his grand father’s and the gOthra, several times during the process, it’s hard not to have moments of flashbacks.

They say time is the healer. But I think that’s only partly true. Time is a healer just because we choose it to be. There are several days when I suddenly go back to ‘thinking of everything to do with my father’ mode and silently sob. So, where did that ‘time is the healer’ thingy vanish?

If it is this bad for me, I can certainly imagine how bad it is for my mother. Then again, she is such a strong woman, who has gone through so much pain in her life. So much braver and stronger than I am. There is a reason pathos are melodious, right?

I never saw my father’s father or his grand father. But, here I am praying, so that they can attain mOkSha! Isn’t that strange? As a famous poem in Kannada goes – ಎತ್ತಣ ಮಾಮರ? ಎತ್ತಣ ಕೋಗಿಲೆ? ಎತ್ತಣಿಂದೆತ್ತ ಸಂಬಂಧವಯ್ಯ?

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6 Comments on “ಯಾವ ಹೂವು ಯಾರ ಮುಡಿಗೊ?”

  1. rads Says:

    DS, from personal experience let me tell you how much more difficult it is to keep a strong face because one are expected so.

    If I were you, I’d reach out to the strong mom and say that it’s okay, not to be so strong. She’ll appreciate that is what my gut says, but then again, I could be very wrong.

    Dads are awesome. Period. 🙂

  2. rads Says:

    ugh, please add commas and pauses where appropriate.

  3. Prashanth M Says:

    ಈ ರೀತಿಯ ನೋವುಗಳು, ಚುಚ್ಚಿದ ಮುಳ್ಳು ಅರ್ಧಕ್ಕೆ ಮುರಿದುಕೊಂಡು ಕಾಲಲ್ಲೇ ಉಳಿಯೋತರಹ… ಮುಳ್ಳು ಚುಚ್ಚಿದ ಜಾಗವನ್ನು ಒತ್ತಿದಷ್ಟೂ ನೋವು ಹೆಚ್ಚಾಗುತ್ತೆ…

  4. suptadeepti Says:

    DS, this is more than pain, more than memory, more than time. This is the void in the heart. Nothing can fill it up. Nothing. We live all along with that void, with that hollow, with that gaping wound.
    No doubt, your Mom is a strong person. Is she being strong because of what she had been through, or to be strong for her loved ones? I don’t want to speculate on this. She is a MOM. Thats all.

  5. mouna Says:

    u are right, time is a healer because we choose it to be. isn’t it convenient to choose something out of the blue and ask it to save us from crisis?!

    amazing, if i were to be asked.

  6. praneshachar Says:

    why we say time is the healer is we tend to move on
    its not just that we can forget everthing of past
    certainly memories will haunt you and you will go on
    thinking over and over on this
    when you speak of rituals true we do remember all our
    generations atleast three, if u think is this not good
    we must know our family tree roots etc., I know now so many guys trying to establish family trees and getting links of thier cousins etc.,
    sometimes rituals may look absurd or like that but if
    u look at the essence of it they are really good. only over the years we the people have made it cumbersome and suffer ( be it be priest or purohit or by practice etc.,)
    its always nice to remember our own people and spend some time
    this is just my view on this
    pranesh


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